a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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