Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
