He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
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there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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