Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
