why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
