she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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