Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
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If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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