I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
