I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
