Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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