My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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