Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
