So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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