The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
