I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
