I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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