I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
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He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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