i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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