Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
