i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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