Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
