my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
