My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
