No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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