No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
