guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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