I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
