That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
