i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drake has all the answers
i think i just lost a toe
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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