The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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