hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
