does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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