she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
