when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
