I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
