your parents love me but you hate me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
