The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
