I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
