I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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