i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
