barbara walters just said penis...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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