at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
