I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
