i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
