Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
