I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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