wakey wakey hands off snakey
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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