dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
