Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
