I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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