Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
