I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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