I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
