11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Will you blow on my dice?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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