the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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