Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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